So last night I was reading my bible, hoping for some guidance. Another fairly anxiety ridden evening, with lots of doubts and uncertainties. I began to ponder about instincts. How much do our instincts affect our daily lives? How right is our intuition? How often should we follow it, if at all?
I ask these questions because my intuition is often times conflicting. There are times when it screams, "Do it!!" and then within a matter of minutes it condemns, questioning my sanity. How does one follow that nonsense?
In my biblical concordance I found nothing on instinct or intuition, which probably tells me something right there. Yet, I was drawn to a little section on commitment. Scouring all the way back to Deuteronomy, I was reading all about the commitment made by husbands to their wives, and the purposes of vows. It was fascinating, as this was not where I had originally intended to find myself, nor did I think that intuition would lead to a mental diatribe on promises. But, it did. I read on...in many books, and found myself in Mark. The last listing for verses on commitment came from the Gospel of Mark. I read the following:
34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life[c] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
Yeah, this verse has been a recurring theme in my marital discernment process. It is funny how certain texts seem to set their sights for you and pop up everywhere you go.
It was a crazy day, full of anxiety, and I was at Mass. This was the reading of that day...and I remember thinking to myself, "This is it! This is marriage!" Yes, marriage is the complete and total giving of one's life in order to find holiness and ultimately, Heaven. It has since then been a verse I think about constantly in my attempts to understand the mystery of the vocation.
I find it funny that in my times of doubt last night, the Lord pointed me to commitment. Commitment to Him, and to the life he called Christians to live. It is a crazy life, a hard life, but a beautiful life...if one truly resolves to live it.
I am working on it.