I know it doesn't make sense, but now you know how very tired I am. My neighbors like beer.
Whelp, official first day of summer devotion to Jesus Christ, more fully and completely than school year devotion. Ha! I feel like today was highly productive...got a lot done, and feel like I am really taking some huge steps forward into figuring out the hows and the whys of all of this crazy anxiety.
I was fortunate enough to meet with my spiritual director today. His wisdom always grounds me, and helps me to refind my peace. He talked about three things today...the three things that make up the human psyche: superficial, psychological, and the spiritual. We talked about all three of these things and their general significance to my life. The superficial being the wedding stresses. Flowers, cake, food, dress...in the grand scheme, fleeting. We then discussed what lies underneath those, my anxiety, my need to be in control, my desire for perfection as being on the psychological level. Finally, we came to the spiritual. My direct connection with He who made me...this is not a feeling, this is a knowing, deep within. We talked about how all of these things are important, and how they all deserve attention as they tend to be cyclical. Yet, only one of the three is truly constant. One of the three is where we need turn when nothing else makes sense. Yes, that one of the three is always constant for me, and that is so hopeful. Eternally hopeful, really, as I reasoned it out today. I thought..."But how do I know that God is right?" Then I giggled.
In Mass today, a few things struck me. One, the lord seems to be using His written word as His vessel for communication. I love that! I love it because it is so concrete, and often times, as Catholics, we do not delve into the Word as we should. I love that He is showing me so much in and through it. In the reading from Second Peter 3 it states:
"...be eager to be found without spot or blemish before Him, at peace."
I love this verse, as it states that we should not only be actively seeking all that is good and True, full of virtue, but in that we will find peace. However, we need to be eager for peace, thus, we need to actively seek it. It is not just found, but sought. What a concept...we are active in the the Peace that Christ alone can give. makes sense, as we are active in all else he has bestowed on us here...but wow.
"...be on your guard not to be led into error of the unprincipled and to fall from your own stability.
But grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord..."
I find myself constantly facing temptations of this world, and so easily falling into the trap that the way of the world will be easier, better for me. Yet, I recognize that in this I fall from all that I hold to be stable. My solid ground...Christ (and Eric). Both my rocks in this world, and when I stumble and find myself being led into disfavor, by my own choosing (as we are, were, and always will be free), I lose my footing. I fall into the trap of anxiousness, of doubt, of temptation. Yet, through grace, and knowledge, I will persevere.